Tuesday, April 28, 2009

DEAR JOHN LETTER TO ESPN.COM


Dear ESPN.com -

We need to chat. I've been doing some surfing and I've come to a decision. I'm breaking up with you. It's time I moved on and saw other websites. I'm sorry, but my mouse just doesn't seem to click for you anymore. It's been a great 12 or 13 years together. You were my first bookmark and you remained my first stop after opening my browser ever since the dawn of the internet boom.

I just don't know who you are anymore. You don't communicate with me. You used to greet me right away with the sports headlines that I couldn't wait to see after thinking about you all day at work. It seemed like you were coded just for me. Now when I enter your domain all I see are ads, ads, ads. When I come to the homepage I get nothing but a caption-less picture surrounded by your immature banner ads. The sports headlines I loved so much have been reduced to fine print near the bottom. It's like I have to scroll until my finger bleeds to find any quality content with you! We never have any quiet time. Whenever I want to relax and review the day's sports events you interrupt me by blaring that ESPN Motion crap which you know I HATE! You never listen to anything I have to say. What about my user feedback? Even when you pretend to pay attention, you only give me 500 characters and then you cut me off!

My clock is ticking, ESPN.com. I always thought that at this point in my life you would have committed to being my startup page and we would have a subsite or two . I dreamed of exotic vacations with you on my mobile device but you're still stuck in your Web 2.0 phase and just want to partner with your sponsors all the time and generate revenue. Well, I've had it with your Fantasy games! I'm tired of slaving away to accept your cookies and getting nothing in return!

I hope you find what you're looking for. Maybe one day you'll stop bouncing around from Beta to Beta and settle down with a design. I've wasted enough of my life on your site. Oh sure. You'll act like you won't miss me and probably bring home the first user willing to Google you just for your name. Go right ahead and pickup all the malware-infested floozies you want. I'm clearing my cache and getting a real URL whose mind is not just on the bottom line and who knows what user satisfaction really means!

Goodbye ESPN.com. Hello CBSSports.com.

Friday, January 23, 2009

SOFTBALL GUY

If you've ever played in a recreational softball league, you know Softball Guy. If not, here's a definition from Urban Dictionary. Notice how one of the synonyms is 'loser'.

Rather than type it all out, I'll let Jim Rome say the rest for me. The part about "Angry Young Guy" (specifically the 2:11 - 6:34 mark) is pretty much right on.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

CYCLING OUTFITS

While it may be January now, before we know it Spring will be in the air. The trees will bloom again, baseball season will begin, the sun will grace the sky later into the evening and birds will return from the south to fulfill their destiny by chirping outside my bedroom window at 6:30am. Spring may be the best time of the year. Unfortunately, another sign of the season is that I'll start seeing guys like the one in the photo to the left riding around my neighborhood.

Actually, it'll be more like this guy:

Seriously. Is it necessary for a novice cyclist to wear this outfit while bumbling about the subdivision on his/her Huffy bike? What goes through someone's head when they put this outfit on? "If I dress like I'm Lance Armstrong on the Tour, then I'll instantly shed 100 pounds and ride really fast like Lance?" Of course not. You're not competing in the Tour de France and you never will. Are you trying to fool everyone who sees the outfit (and every roll, ridge, wave and buldge of your 'Sir Lance-you're-NOT' body through the spandex) into thinking that you're some kind of professional? Is that why these outfits always have some athletic brand plastered all over them as if the rider had a corporate sponsor?

Okay, I'll play along with that. But only if the riders wear more size-appropriate sponsors on their idiotic apparel. For example, if the shirt/shorts are XL or above, it should have Cheetos, Crisco or IHOP logos on it. Sound silly? Not nearly as silly as these people look! It would be better if these outfits were not made past a certain size. When was the last time you saw a Tour competitor over 250 lbs?

Regardless of size, my real question is about the need for a leisure rider to wear this outfit in the first place. If they're just out for a cruise or even making an effort to get in shape, then that's fine. But why can't they wear a t-shirt that fits, normal shorts and a regular-shaped helmet that's not built for Dan Akroyd's character on Saturday Night Live?

Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe the outfit does make the man. Perhaps I should try a little experiment. From now on, when I do an activity, I'll dress the part. When I go out in the back yard to toss the football around with the guys, I'll put on a helmet, pads and cleats. Before I go hack around on a golf course (and get paired up with strangers), I'll wear plaid nickers. When I get in my car to drive somewhere, I'll wear a flame-retardant jumpsuit with a giant number and beer, motor oil and candy company logos all over it. Suddenly I'll be the next Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods or Jeff Gordon just because I'm wearing a similar outfit! And when my softball league starts back up, I'll put on eye black, a full pinstripe uniform and...Wait a minute...guys are already doing that! (See: Softball Guy.)

I have a couple of friends who are into cycling. I know one of them (PG) is a Seid Notes reader. Maybe he'll shed some light on the ridiculousness of cycling attire in suburbia.

Friday, December 12, 2008

SEARS - WHERE ELSE?

Let me begin by saying I'm not a huge environmental activist. I'm not anti-Earth either. I care about keeping our air clean, I don't litter and I've stopped changing the oil in my car and emptying it in wetland preservations and all that eco-friendly stuff. But at the same time I don't wear hemp products or Birkenstocks, I don't have a beard or eat tofu and I've never chained myself to a tree. This latest rant is less about the environment, or being 'green', and more about a common retailer practice that really bugs me. But if this post somehow advances the cause of some group based in Oregon then, hey, I'm happy to help.

Not long ago I went to Sears and bought a comforter for my new King-sized bed. That's it. Just the comforter. One item. I left with two things that could have covered my whole mattress. The comforter and the receipt.

Take a look at the below photograph of my Sears receipt (the five strips of paper to the left) shown next to an unrelated receipt from Target (far right). I've circled in red the actual purchase information on each.


Like I said, I bought one item at Sears. At Target I bought two. Yet for some reason the Sears receipt totaled 55 inches of paper compared to just 5 inches of paper from Target. That's ELEVEN TIMES more receipt for HALF the number of items purchased. FIFTY FIVE INCHES OF PAPER! That's FOUR FEET, 7 INCHES! That's taller than my nephew! I already have an overstuffed wallet and now Sears wants me to try to fit an 8 year old in there, too!? What's the point of this much paper? Let's take a look at each section, or 'page':

Page 1 - The first half includes all relevant information to the purchase: UPC, Item Description, Price, Tax, Total, Method of Payment and a reminder of my responsibility to pay my credit card bill. The second half is where the fun begins. A blurb about how Sears values my feedback and how if I go to their website and complete a survey I could win a $4,000 Sears gift card. The survey plug is then repeated in Spanish. Finally, Page 1 is capped off with a Satisfaction Guarantee telling me the receipt is required for a retun or exchange. Oh...and 'other rules apply' so I should look on the back for more details. I forgot to mention above that these 5 pages were double sided but since the backs are a bunch of re-runs of the return policy, I won't count them for double.

Page 2 - In hopes of earning my repeat business, Sears has utilized the first 1/3rd of this page to generously offer me a coupon to be used in conjunction with a future purchase. If I come back in the next 3 weeks and spend $25 or more on tools, I get $5 off 'Iron Man' or my choice of a VHS, DVD or Blu-Ray movie! I'm not sure how this is at all relevant to my bedding purchase. Maybe the movie 'Iron Man' is so incredibly boring that it will put me to sleep? And why $25 worth of tools? Maybe because I need a wheelbarrow to haul my receipt to the car?

Here's the kicker: The middle section of the page is a long disclaimer about the limits of the $5 savings. Turns out this coupon cannot be used on clearance or closeout items (understandable) but also a long list of other merchandise including DVD movies!! So let me get this straight: Sears is offering me a $5 coupon for a DVD which cannot be used for DVD purchases - but only if I spend an additional $25 in their Tool department. What a deal!!

The final third of Page 2 is more mumbo jumbo related to the return of the discounted movie that cannot be purchased at a discount.

Page 3 - A bit shorter strip of paper than the first two but another coupon. This time for $10 off the purchase of $50 or more in the Electronics section. This time with no electronics exclusion - except for iPods. Apparently the only savings on Apple products come from the manufacturer in the form of price reductions after their loyal customers pay an inflated price. (Hint: Never buy an Apple item within a month of the release date.)

Page 4 - Surprise! Another coupon! $50 off a Home Appliance purchase of $399 or more. Not valid on Kenmore Pro. Isn't the Kenmore brand Sears' own private label? So, in other words: "Buy someone else's brand and not ours and save! We spend too much on paper to foot the bill on the 10% appliance discount!"

Page 5 - You guessed it. 15% off Apparel and Footwear - except Levi's. Hey, maybe I can get a deal on some of their Land's End clothing? Oops...that's a negative. Land's End is excluded, too. (See Kenmore comment above.) Speaking of Land's End, how appropriate is it that Sears bought them out? With all the trees that have to be cut down to make enough paper for Sears receipts, they just might be the cause of Land's End as we know it. Or at least Tropical Rain Forest's End.

So there you have it. A small child worth of receipts for the purchase of a single item with 4 attempts to get me to spend another $500+. How much more price competitive would Sears be if they didn't buy so many ink cartridges and paper? Or maybe they could re-invest the cost savings into their business and acquire more great companies like K-Mart! By the way, what happened to the Spanish translation theme from Page 1? None of the coupons were in Spanish. Seems a bit discriminatory. Maybe they should include another 4 pages of Spanish coupons. Better yet, maybe when the initial transaction is being made at the register, we should be required to 'Press 1 for your receipt in English'! Everyone loves to do that on automated customer service phone lines!

Ahhh...and the Sears slogan: "Where Else?". I know where else: Bed, Bath and Beyond for future bedding purchases. Or maybe Best Buy where a $5 coupon for DVD's can be used for DVD's.
  • "Where Else Can We Knock Down Some More Trees?"
  • "Where Else Can You Not Use A Bounceback Coupon?"
  • "Where Else Can You Get A Free Measuring Chart For Your Children With Every Purchase?"
  • "Where Else Can You Find Commissioned Electronics and Appliance Salespeople Who Don't Want To Wait On You?"
  • "Where Else Can You Buy Something And When It Breaks Down Be Sent To A Service/Repair Center Across Town Only To Find That The Part You Need Is Guaranteed To Be Out Of Stock But Can Be Ordered To Arrive In Six Weeks?"
For fun, use the Comments section to see who can come up with the best modification or answer to the Sears slogan of "Where Else?" And make them Sears-related. I've already thought of the "Where Else Can You Find Such A Crappy Blog?" jokes...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

FOR JAMIL


I recently lost one of my best friends of more than 15 years. A few weeks have since passed and, while there were so many songs that could be 'signature songs' of his, I find myself reflecting on the many memories I have of him while listening to my favorite band - Pearl Jam. I thought I'd share a few songs that stood out the most...

(For those of you new to online media, just click the video to listen to the song.)

MAN OF THE HOUR - PEARL JAM
The theme song for the movie 'Big Fish'. I realize the song is written about the father in the movie, but Jamil also had a presence that commanded attention. Regardless of the setting or those around, he was always the 'Man of the Hour'.



Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness
Crash, then on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in May.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature as its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn shedding light upon this town
They'll all come around
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just goodbye for now



LONG ROAD - PEARL JAM
A live version from 2000. This song was played at a fundraiser following the attacks of September 11 entitled 'A Tribute to Heroes' which is fitting as I consider Jamil one of my heroes:



And I wished for so long...cannot stay
All the precious moments...cannot stay
It's not like wings have fallen...cannot stay
But without you something's missing...cannot say

Holding hands of daughters and sons
And their faiths are falling down
I have wished for so long
How I wish for you today

We all walk the long road...Cannot stay
There's no need to say goodbye...

All the friends and family
All the memories going 'round
I have wished for so long
How I wish for you today

And the wind keeps rolling
And the sky keeps turning gray
And the sun is seting
The sun will rise another day

I have wished for so long...
How I wish for you today.
I have wished for so long...
How I wish for you today.

We all walk the long road...



LIGHT YEARS - PEARL JAM
For a man who lived such a full life in such a short time.



I've used hammers made out of wood
I have played games with pieces and rules
I've deciphered tricks at the bar
But now you're gone, I haven't figured out why
I've come up with riddles and jokes about war
I've figured out numbers and what they're for
I've understood feelings and I've understood words
But how could you be taken away?

And wherever you've gone...and wherever we might go
It don't seem fair...today just disappeared
Your light's reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars

With heavy breath, awakened regrets
Back pages and days alone that could have been spent
Together but we were miles apart
Every inch between us becomes light years now
No need to be void or save up on life
You got to spend it all

And wherever you've gone and wherever we might go
It don't seem fair - you seemed to like it here
Your light's reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars

And wherever you've gone and wherever we might go
It don't seem fair...today just disappeared
Your light's reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars



RELEASE - PEARL JAM
Some of my favorite memories come from the road trips we took together. This song and the next were two that we both selected as background music as we drove through the mountains of Colorado. I believe it was the summer before he left for medical school so we drove to the top of Mt. Yale. (I still hope to find the photo of him next to that sign.)



I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
Window sill
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I'll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I'll hold the pain
Release me

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I'll wait up in the dark
For you to speak to me
I'll open up
Release me
Release me
Release me
Release me



OCEANS - PEARL JAM
(See notes under 'Release')



Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Glide me towards you
Know something's left
And we're all allowed
to dream of the next
Oh the next...time we touch...

You don't have to stray
Two oceans away
Waves roll in my thoughts
Hold tight the ring...
The sea will rise...
Please stand by the shore...

I will be...
I will be...
There once more...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

GOLF PAIRINGS

I'm not a great golfer but I do enjoy getting out on the course a few times a year in the spring or fall. (I don't enjoy it so much that I want to play in the middle of the summer when it's 90-100 degrees outside.) When I first began to play the courses around my hometown, there were times when just one friend and I would have no trouble getting on without a tee time and losing a few hundred sliced or hooked golf balls in the woods before we eventually ran out our supply after about 10 or 12 holes. It actually wasn't until I moved away from home to a bigger city that I had to plan ahead with a tee time, let alone be required to play in a foursome. I remember the first time the latter happened...

We paid our greens fees in the clubhouse and were directed to a 'Starter' to be told whether we would begin on the front or back nine. "What the hell is a Starter?", we asked each other. We discovered that a Starter, like a Marshall, is invariably a senior citizen with an attitude problem. I'm okay with the senior citizen part - perhaps he's retired, loves the game of golf and enjoys spending his retirement outside and around the course. It's the attitude, which is apparently a strict requirement for those in the golf industry, that really gets me.

Why does it seem that most (not all, there are a very few exceptions) employees at golf courses believe that the golfer, also known as the CUSTOMER, is fortunate or privileged to have entered their presence? It's not as if I'm walking into an exclusive, private club such as Augusta National Golf Club. It's a municipal golf course for crying out loud! Regardless, each employee from the aforementioned Starter and Marshall to the Assistant Pro and the guy in the Pro Shop selling $100 polos embroidered with the course logo (shouldn't they be paying me $100 to promote their brand while wearing their corporate shirt?) acts this way. Even the teenage kid who shags range balls has the attitude. These guys always wear visors and can be heard pronouncing golf as "goff" while discussing their last round - but only with other course employees because anyone non-"goffer" is clearly beneath them. Come on. Isn't the Starter just a self-glorified greeter like they have at Wal-Mart? The only real difference is that one hands you a scorecard and points you to either Hole #1 or Hole #10 and the other hands you a shopping basket and points you to the restrooms. At least the Wal-Mart greeter always has a smile on his/her face yet the Starter thinks he's doing you a favor by allowing you on his public course.

Back to the story. My friend and I approached the Starter just before our 10:30 tee time and told him that we were ready to play. Because there were just two of us he said "I've got another two scheduled for 10:45. You'll have to pair up with them when they get here." Wait...WHAT!? We didn't understand. We made our tee time, showed up with our clubs in hand and wanted to get started. "You can't just play with two. You gotta have a foursome. You'll have to wait for Scherbatzky at 10:45." This was all so new to us that we sat there dumbfounded until Scherbatzky and his partner showed up 15 minutes later as the second half to our newly formed foursome. We didn't know who the hell Scherbatzky was but now, since the almighty Starter said so, we were going to have the next four or five hours to get to know him whether we wanted to or not because it was more efficient, no...make that more profitable for the course that way. If you are lucky enough to get started with just two it is inevitable that a Marshall, which is similar to a Starter but drives around the course in a cart, will stop you one or two holes later and tell you to hold up and pair up with the twosome behind you.

Where else can a business get away with this? Imagine it's your 25th Wedding Anniversary and you make dinner reservations for you and your spouse at a nice restaurant to celebrate your special day. What if, when you arrived at that restaurant and said "We have a reservation for two", the hostess told you that you'd be sitting with the Scherbatzky party to make a foursome because that means more tips with less tables for the servers and the other guests wouldn't have to wait as long to be seated. Would you gladly look for a couple of bar stools and have a drink until Scherbatzky arrived then proceed to spend your 25th Anniversary with complete strangers? Oh, and by the way, you're still paying full menu price. How about a hotel front desk clerk telling you that although you booked a suite with a King bed, they've decided to stick you in a standard room with two double beds and that you're bunking with another family named Scherbatzky? I didn't think so. It's wrong and it's not what you paid for. Yes, you paid to use their course but isn't it mostly about the company you're with? If it's more about just "goff", then you're likely not playing on a municipal course but at a country club with other "goffers".

What do you think? Is it right for these guys to do this? Should they at least discount your greens fee accordingly if they assign more to your group? Or are you a current/former "goffer" who thinks I'm just some hack that doesn't deserve to spend my money at their establishment? Use the comment section to let me know!

Friday, September 26, 2008

MOST ANNOYING HIGHWAY DRIVERS

I recently drove home to visit my family and, in just two hours, I experienced several nuisances on the interstate that I need to vent about. I'm sure you've all seen it yourselves but here they are in no particular order.

1. Left Lane Lounging. It's a pretty basic driver's educational concept. The left lane is for passing. Let me say that again. The left lane is for PASSING. It's inevitable on every highway trip that I come across the person doing 60 mph in the left lane. This person isn't passing another driver going even slower in the right lane. In fact, there may not be anyone in the right lane for more than a mile in front of or behind them. They've just been camped out there through the last four counties. I've seen people move right in order to zip past them and, while doing so, attempt to give 'the look' as if to say "Hey Idiot, do you realize you're in the left lane?". I've watched less courteous drivers combine 'the finger' with 'the look' to no avail. I've even witnessed others tailgate these highway hijackers so aggressively that they're practically sitting in the offender's back seat while repeatedly flashing their headlights to signal a move. Still nothing. Most of these interstate imbeciles are completely clueless to their freeway faux pas. Left Lane Loungers can typically be found with their turn signal still blinking from their initial maneuver into the left lane 300 miles back.

That leaves us with the second type of Left Lane Lounger: The self-appointed hall monitors who take it upon themselves to serve as some sort of volunteer highway patrol officer and attempt to block other drivers from exceeding speeds that they have deemed acceptable. The state approved speed limits are of no matter to these former teacher's pets. If they are uncomfortable going faster than 60-65 mph, then they will stay in the left lane making it more difficult for drivers under 90 years old to pass while still complying with the law. In other words, they've decided to play God with your time and they're the worst of the bunch.

It is for those described above that these windshield stickers have been produced and sold by websites like this one:



Usually, but not limited to, the following vehicle types: Minivan, Buick, Oldsmobile

2. Slow Passers. These people do not fall in the Left Lane Lounger category. They generally discover in advance (unlike Category 4) that they are approaching the car ahead and should move left to pass. That's where the common sense ends. These cruise control connoisseurs take an entire time zone to finally make their move. Let's pretend you're driving in Wyoming with your speed set on 70 mph. The Slow Passer will be invariably be set at 70.1 mph. They'll move left and will basically stay even with your back left wheel well for three states. By the time you get to Iowa, they may have pulled even with your window so you can look over and scream "GO AROUND ALREADY!". This won't help. Like the Loungers, they have their eyes fixated forward and it never occurs to them that they have achieved the driving equivalent of a three-legged-race with you for several hours. It doesn't make their skin crawl to be side by side with another car while they just listened to a complete audio book reading of War and Peace. By this point, you will have had to slow down and cancel your own cruise control because there is a car going 69.9 ahead of you and you can't go around until the Slow Passer moves. Slow Passers can often be identified by a sleeping passenger in the front seat with their feet out the window or a lifetime collection of stuffed animals on display in the back window.

The only solution to this annoyance is to either speed up (which makes you a Category 5 offender - see below) or slam on your breaks so that they proceed ahead even though you're SURE you'll catch back up with them shortly (because they're actually the Category 5'ers).

Usually, but not limited to, the following vehicle types: Minivan, Buick, Oldsmobile, Semi-Tractor-Trailer

3. Last Minute Cut-In Before Exit or Construction Zone. Pretty self-explanatory. An exit is coming up in a mile or so. You're the last in a group of cars lined up neatly in the right lane with a car or two correctly using the left lane. Someone decides they can save 0.13 seconds if they tailgate the left lane until a small crack opens up to the right just before the exit lane ends. It's at the very last moment that they crank the wheel in to get in front of you and exit, practically taking off your front fender, although there was a football field of open road to fall in behind.

Cutting in before a construction zone boosts style points (more style points = bigger jerk). The driver clearly saw the 'Right Lane Closed Ahead' sign with the accompanying blinking arrow telling him/her to move left with plenty of notice. If that wasn't enough, the numerous cars ahead are slowing down to move over at find their place in line. Not these VIP's. They'll shoot past a hundred cars until they're face-to-face with an orange barrel and it is only then that they flip on their blinker and start looking for an unsuspecting driver who will cower at their attempt to bully into the open lane. Of course to defend against the Construction Zone Cut-In means to quickly alternate between stomping on your gas and brake pedals so that you're giving yourself and any passengers whiplash in an effort to keep no more than a centimeter distance from the car in front of you. "There is no way in hell I'm letting this a-hole in!"

Last Minute Lane Cutters can be spotted wearing sunglasses at any time/weather condition and talking on their cell phones. Triple style points for a Bluetooth headset.

Usually, but not limited to, the following vehicle types: Ford Mustang, "Tricked Out" Honda Civic with the Whale-Tail spoilers, fart mufflers, car stereo brand labels plastered on the windows and/or any other accessory that manages to cost more than the car itself while simultaneously lowering the value to less than half of what it would be without the add-ons.

Specific to the construction zone scenario: BMW, Audi, enormous SUV's that new parents deem necessary to cart around their only child (e.g. Chevy Suburban, Ford Excursion) because anything else is just too small. (How on Earth did parents ever manage to get their kids to soccer games before these behemoths were available?)

4. Wait Until Tailgating to Pass. Although this driver should have figured out some time ago that they are rapidly approaching your car in front of them, it doesn't register until they are on your rear bumper. In this situation there is ample room in the left lane to move over (no Left Lane Lounger causing congestion), they just don't do it. Maybe their depth perception is off. Maybe they need new glasses. Maybe they should have their license revoked. I guess they like to cancel and reset their cruise control with every pass they eventually make. Or maybe they haven't figured out how to use the cruise control, which would qualify them as a Category 4 & 5 'dual-threat', or the Michael Vick of highway drivers. They might even have a Pitbull in the car with them...

Usually, but not limited to, the following vehicle types: Pickup truck, Semi-Tractor-Trailer

5. Inconsistent Speed. Ralph Teetor knew what I'm talking about:

"Modern cruise control (also known as a speedostat) was invented in 1945 by the blind inventor and mechanical engineer Ralph Teetor. His idea was borne out of the frustration of riding in a car driven by his lawyer, who kept speeding up and slowing down as he talked." - Courtesy of Wikipedia.

Ever been on a long road trip and found yourself passing someone only to be passed yourself by the same moron who then slows down so you have to pass them again - all while you're set at a constant speed via Mr. Teetor's handy invention? This tends to repeat about a THOUSAND times before they finally exit on some obscure county road named 'Frog Holler' or 'Rabbit Hash'.

Rabbit Hash

Some older, inexpensive car owners may use the excuse that their model doesn't have cruise control. I don't care. Learn how to drive without it. The majority of these offenders, however, have cruise control and simply ignore it. They should be pulled over, arrested and sentenced to a lifetime of Greyhound for all out-of-town trips.

Usually, but not limited to, the following vehicle types: Minivan, Buick, Oldsmobile (Notice the recurring theme here?)

Not-A-Highway-Offense-But-Still-Worthy-Of-Dishonorable Mention: People who move to the right lane just before a red light even though they are going straight thus preventing the people they cut in front of to sit through the entire red light before making a right turn.

Think of an annoying highway driver that I didn't mention? Call them out in the Comments area!